27 October 2011

Single in Public

Being single is probably one of the best times of life. I can't think of any other moment that I will be able to move wherever I want to, travel anywhere I haven't been, or make decisions that affect only me. I have no children, no mortgage. This is a magical period that exists purely for my self-discovery.

I am in a strange limbo right now. I don't know exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life, but on the other hand I know exactly how I do not want my life to go. This decisiveness has ruled out many previously available life choices (i.e. law school, restaurant manager, Real Housewife). A few short weeks ago, I truly believed I was going to be with Snobbaz for an indefinite length of time. Knowing that, I thought I was making choices that were going to be best for my for-seeable future. I met him when I thought I was going to be an attorney. I was in the throes of studying for the LSAT. I couldn't believe my good fortune when I discovered he was an attorney and I would soon be a first-year and he could help me with all the legal jargon and hold me when I was about to give up...

Okay, I really wanted my life to be "Legally Blonde." Snobbaz was not as convinced of my plan for us while in law school. He was actually quite adverse to us being together while I went through school. He said that in "his experience" many couples broke up in law school because of all the pressure. I was completely sympathetic with his concern. I could see how the high stakes environment could create a huge strain on one's personal life, but was I much more optimistic. I let the issue brush under the rug.

I few months later-- after I took the LSAT, after I signed up to take another LSAT-- I decided law school was not for me. I just don't have the fire it takes to want to be an attorney. With this decision, Snobbaz's concern of us not being together while I was in school was also extinguished. As of then, it was our only major disagreement and the only issue that seemed tangible enough to break us up. Convenient that I decided not to go, isn't it?

I'm not saying I chose not to be a lawyer because I thought my boyfriend and I were going to break up, but I do think I subconsciously pigeon-holed myself into thinking it wasn't ever going to work out because of him. Now, I am extremely certain that I made the right choice and that I went through the same dilemma many twentysomethings go through with weighing whether or not to be an attorney. But I only came to that realization when I replaced the "us" in the equation with "me." It's crucial to recognize that the decisions we're making as young women (and young people) are solely for our own benefit. We're single! We're not married, with kids, with other people's lives to screw up. All we have are ourselves. If we don't keep our best interests at the top of our priorities then we will just be married, with kids, screwing up other people's lives, not knowing how it happened.

We all resent our stag lifestyle at one point or another, but I think I'm figuring out that we have been given a priceless gift. I don't know exactly what I want to do forever. And that's surprisingly okay. Finally I can be single, lost, and proud all at the same time.

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