The Rules.

There is a book unlike any other out there. It holds the key to finding true happiness in a relationship as well as in your life. Very few people know I subscribe to its beliefs. I am a self-proclaimed feminist, I have been involved in subversive productions like "The Vagina Monologues," and I am not religious. I have been reluctant to share my belief in this tome, as it's a little... well, traditional.

It's called "The Rules."

Last year I was having severe personal troubles. I was living with my parents, had just started waitressing, and was unsuccessfully dating all of Missy's fiancee's friends. I was in a desperate spot and crying into a bag of tortilla chips nearly everyday.

My mom suggested I buy "The Rules." She apologized for never having given me the tools to understanding dating. Of course I'd been dating since high school, but I was never really in the game. I had always gone out with guys in my class and friend group; never had I been on dates with men with whom I had no relationship. It's a quick transition after school-- whether senior year or college-- to go into the worldwide dating pool. Unlike me, my mom is a woman with the ability to will men to carry her groceries to her car without even blinking a lash. I assumed this was a genealogical trait that had passed over me just like her wavy hair and slim legs. However, I was wiling to listen to the woman who promised me I could cultivate the same power within myself.

I bought it. I read it. I beat myself up. I laughed. I reread. I sighed. I became empowered.

The Rules summarizes all the wives tales and nuggets of wisdom you've ever heard. It's a straightforward code of conduct for dating and ultimately marriage. It's broken down into chapters that synthesize all its points, allowing the reader to go back and reference it at any point she's struggling.

What I love most about this book is how it reinforces all the qualities I love about being a woman. It's truly difficult to have grown up being told I am just as good as the boys, I can accomplish whatever I set my mind to, and that I have the ability to be totally independent. That's great and all, but suddenly I got to a point where being the smart go-getter was my downfall. If I was interested in someone, I would chat him up, ask what he was doing on Friday night, take his number, and become text-obsessed. Then I'd get asked to an intimate evening at his apartment, then sadly realize it was a mass invite to all the eligible ladies in his phone. It wasn't just me; all my girlfriends were in the same boat. We were all educated and had great personalities but we were always in dysfunctional, confusing relationships with men. We'd spend hours questioning their motives. He came over to watch a movie, but he spent the night on the couch. He asked me to brunch, but his roommate was there too. We'd been going out for several weeks, but he had never gone so far as to hold my hand. What the hell is going on?!

This book took all those hours of questioning and translated them into common sense: If he's not calling, not reciprocating, not initiating, then he's NOT INTERESTED. Full stop. Dating is a game that some people are great at only because they follow the rules (whether or not their aware of it.) Ladies, we can be equal in so many other ways to our male counterparts, but when it comes to romance we need to realize and relish the differences in our sexes. (I can't speak for my homosexual brothers and sisters, as I have no first-hand experience in the matter. Guest blogger?)

Those are the basic tenets, but "The Rules" also outlines other feminine qualities that require a refresher course. My favorite is Rule #1: Be a Creature Unlike Any Other. Yes, dammit, I am a great addition to this planet! No one else is me, nor can I be anyone else. Being my personal best is a much more tangible goal than being as smart, as thin, or as anything as another woman.

As soon as I started applying the Rules I noticed a difference almost immediately. It required an attitude adjustment, which I was very much willing to give considering my low success rate. Whether my outlook changed how people responded to me, or vice versa doesn't matter much. The point is that I saw a positive change in my personal life and I'll never go back to the Desperado Days of late. It was only after I had followed the rules that I met my ex. Make no mistake, he was absolutely wonderful until he let his freak flag fly. For that, I'm sorry to say, there are no rule books. However, that's where my personal fabulousness became most important: cultivating the strength to get over being hurt, and finding the next man worthy of being Mr. Me.

As the Rules instructs, onto the next!

Prince of Persia?

Snobbaz is no longer a part of my life. It's a weird feeling to wake up and not see a text message from someone I thought I was going to share years with. The days are getting better but I hate that I dream only of him and I getting back together. On the bright side, it's been a few weeks since the Persian War and everyday is better and worse for different reasons.

Pros:
~I am a cute, single girl who can accept random dates from cute men.

Cons:
~I am a cute, single girl who can accept random dates but have yet to receive any offers from anyone except the decrepit regulars at my bar.

So, in absolute peril of being the Carrie Bradshaw cliche, I have started a blog. Thanks go out to my gorgeous roommate, Missy, for convincing me that my previous post was worthy of being read by the anonymous masses. "Gilted" is an email I wrote to my ex with the pure intention of sitting as a draft in my Gmail. I guess it's not so private anymore.

The hardest part of this breakup is that it's my first heartbreak. How many songs are there about this? How many movies? How many stories? Millions! And yet we all believe it will never happen to us. It's a naive thought, but I was one of those lucky people who'd always had the upper hand in the ending of a relationship. My previous boyfriends were always serious-- well, as serious as one can be in high school and college-- but I'd always known we'd part ways at some point. Unfortunately, they never saw it coming and I was their heart smasher.

And then I met him... and we were wonderful... and everything seemed like it was too good to be true... and yes, it was.

Therefore I am going to begin living for me, and chronicling my journey as a single, twenty-something lady in a time where Axe is considered cologne. If Snobbaz thinks there is a perfect Princess Jasmine out there for him, then why shouldn't I fall in love with Jake Gyllenhaal? I deserve my hairy dreamboat, too.

Gilted.

I am so incredibly hurt. I look back on our relationship and how well everything had been going and I feel like I should have seen the sign that it wasn't going as well as I'd thought. You contacted me, courted me, wooed me, introduced me, dined me, loved me, and told me I was perfect. I was the woman you'd been searching for. We spent seven amazing months, fight-free, and then the rug was pulled out from under me.


My issues with you traveling up to see your family weren't nearly as important as I was making them seem. I was teasing you most of the time because I wanted you to spend time with ME. I wanted you to choose me. Now I realize you were never going to do that. I could never be number one to you. I fear you will never truly know how to make yourself happy because you are all consumed with making everyone around you happy.


I want to believe you will come back and tell me you made a mistake. That my not being Persian is actually a blessing and that it's something that can make our life a beautiful one. I want to believe you aren't racist and think you're better than me, but I sadly think that's your personality. I am so heartbroken I can't eat anything. I haven't slept well because I keep waking up thinking it's all a terrible dream.


Truth be told, I suppose I was always more in love with you than you have ever been with me. I deserve to be treated like a princess, a token of someone's lifelong affection. I can't believe I told myself you would be that person for me. You have turned out to be the absolute opposite of that.


The fact that you ended our relationship because you want to find a Persian girl is like me saying, "Well, Jake Gyllenhaal is still single so I guess that's still a possibility for me." Yes, it's absolutely possible, but will it happen? Is it worth throwing away a good thing to see if that will work? NO. It's not. And it's immature and crazy to put all your eggs into the basket of chance. I feel badly that's the way you're looking at your life.


I know you say it's what you want, but nobody buys that. It's what you want because it's what everyone expects of you. Admit the fact that you fell in love with someone who didn't fit your perfect puzzle. Instead of seeing how that variable could work, you rejected it in hopes of finding the perfect piece. What if you never find it? I hope you do, but when you don't and realize you made a mistake, please don't make my life any worse.


You're overweight, have crooked teeth, are very hairy. You can't write very well, don't have a lot of sophistication, aren't as smart as you think you are. You wear pants with pleats, you snore, and are all in all quite gross. You have never really had to know what financial hardships are like, nor have you ever known you are disappointing anyone. You have had a very easy life in comparison to most, which is why you have such a short-sided view of the world. How dare you think you and your family above anyone else's? Your life will never be full of love if you never give yourself fully to someone else. Your love will come with conditions. You looked at me and loved me except for the fact I was white, too young, not in a career, from a unconventional, non-ethnic background... Are there more? I'm dying to know.


I looked at you and loved you more because of all your diverse qualities. The fact that you were different than me was a blessing. I guess to you it's too scary to give in to the unknown. I thought you were a strong, decisive man. Instead you're a coward whose afraid of what has not been tried and tested. God forbid you find out for yourself. Who knows? What if we had been really happy together? You'll never know.


I used to think you had a lot to offer me. I used to look at the life you lived and I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to be the woman you drove around in your nice car and sleep in your comfortable bed. But more than that I loved you. I loved all of you and your disgusting qualities. Now I see you have flaws in your personality that need to be dealt with professionally before you hurt someone else. I know all your friends are cradling you now but in a few months they'll all be telling you to your face what a huge mistake you made. You won't be able to find someone better than me because she's not out there. I am only me, not Persian, not perfect. Even so, I know now that I am the one with all the gifts to offer. I am only 22, beautiful, funny, smart, stylish, witty, well-adjusted and able to admit my faults. I give 110% of myself to everything and I cannot wait to be with the man who reciprocates my energy.


Thanks for sparing me the trouble of spending an unhappy life with you. 


P.S. FUCK YOU.